The Crank: Do stripes make BMW’s Minis go faster?

At first, production car racing stripes were a legitimate visual identifier of truly faster models over their “secretary special” siblings. Think of first 1965 Shelby Mustang GT350s, for instance. But by the mid-1970s, the so-called Malaise Era of performance cars created by multiple oil crisis and government emissions regulations that strangled high-output V8 engines, stripes began appearing on cars that could not walk the performance talk. Take for instance the 1978 Dodge Aspen R/T. Although the ad at left shows true, high-powered Dodge muscle cars from yore, the copy spends more time highlighting the weak-kneed Aspen’s acres of stripes. A “time-tested” V8 is mentioned. But not its horsepower rating. Which at only 170, was nothing to brag about compared to the muscle cars from only a few years previously, some of which sported two- to three-times the cojones. Which brings us to our subject matter for the day: BMW’s Mini, and specifically, the new John Cooper Works GP that’s set to go on-sale later this year. Like the original JCW GP, this new one is chock-a-block with genuine performance upgrades. The back seat has been ditched to lose weight. There are race-ready suspension and brakes, along with track-tested aerodynamic bodywork. BMW hasn’t announced the GP’s power ratings. But I’m guessing there’ll be more than the 214 hp the last one made, for what its maker is calling “The sportiest road-registered MINI ever made.” All very well and good. But unlike the previous JCW GP, this one shouts its performance with a barrage of graphics and stripes. It’s a trend I’ve noticed recently from BMW. Just like the wankers who used to put BMW M badges on their 318i, hoping to fool folks they were driving an M3, the German automaker’s new M Automobiles sub-brand will gladly sell you various graphic packages to dress up your Bimmer, without any performance upgrades. So while the performance of the Mini JCW GP will no doubt be impressive, do you like its “look at me” stripes? Or do you think performance cars should let their performance do all the talking, without the vinyl advertising?

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